The No. 1 Self-Love Practice

Boundaries. Not walls, boundaries.

Rockaway Beach, NY

Sulafa V. Grijalva Pérez

July 2020

My vision for my life is to cultivate conscious relationships all around me. Conscious relationships are relationships that are not based on reactivity but on understanding and a constant nurturing of each other's spirit. Understanding others is a practice that we can employ as we develop our understanding of ourselves. The same goes for the latter: until we take responsibility for our own spiritual growth, we cannot nurture that of the other. As bell hooks says, nurturing our spiritual growth and that of others is, after all, what love is.

Right now, this practice comes easier for me in my romantic relationship than with my family. But I am improving.

I notice that the way I improve, whether it is with my family or in my relationship, is by better understanding my own patterns of thought and defense mechanisms, why they're there, and the mantras I need to repeat to myself to calm me down in those moments when I feel hurt or attacked so that I may respond rather than react. In the journey of nurturing my own spiritual growth, I have found boundary-setting to be a practice that enhances my self-love toolkit. So, let's dive in!

Boundaries vs. Walls

Boundaries are tricky. For starters, they get easily confused with walls. But, we don't want to build walls around us. If you know you have walls around you that you have built throughout the years to keep you safe from past hurts, you are not alone. We all have them. In this case, the antidote we want to explore to dissolve our walls is vulnerability.

Now, you might be thinking, "the world is a dark place, I can't let go of my strategic walls! I ought to have a tough exterior to withstand all that the world throws at me." However, that false sense of strength is only going to make you feel less connected to your surroundings and yourself, thereby making the world a darker, more unfamiliar place, and in turn, pushing you to build more and more walls. Let me assure you: a healthy balance of vulnerability and boundaries will make you iron-strong. It will build a quiet confidence that will radiate and it will support you in making the connections you want in your life. A quiet, tender confidence makes you stronger than any walls ever could!

What does our ability to practice healthy boundary-setting say about our sense of self-worth?

In the month of July, I found out that, actually, it says a lot. Why? Because boundary-setting feels risky. Boundary-setting requires us to believe that we are innately deserving of love and acceptance. Yup! Just by being, you are worthy, loved, and accepted. You don't have to do anything else. Your being is enough.

For many of us, this concept is foreign, so acting from a place of confidence feels awkward. In addition, many of us feel that creating boundaries will push people away, and this feels risky. We think that if we don't have the doors wide open, or don't bend backward for others, or don't always have a huge, welcoming smile on our face, then people won't come in to hug us, appreciate us, value us, love us, see us. Creating boundaries while having that need for validation feels uncomfortable and it, indeed, is hella risky! This is exactly why this practice speaks volumes about our sense of self-worth.

The moment we feel the need for external validation, it means that a part of us, deep inside, in the maze of our past hurts, believes that we are not good enough. The good thing is that the little voice inside you – that lil voice that makes itself tiny in the face of challenges – is not the same part of you that can access feelings of empowerment and resilience. Basically, in our heads, we have two voices: the voice of the tiny demon, and the voice of Da Boss; the voice of fear and the voice of love. And while our subconscious inner baby will opt out of feeling like A Boss sometimes, our conscious mind has the power to choose otherwise, and that's when we can shift perspective and choose a different interpretation of whatever is going on around us.

Another reason why boundary-setting feels risky and, in turn, determines our sense of self-worth is that when we set boundaries we risk upsetting people, and potentially, risk losing their approval of us. "People don't like it when you set personal boundaries," said my therapist once. In short, boundary-setting tests our capacity to feel grounded in who we are, in our decisions, and our perception of our personal value; boundary-setting is a mirror reflection of our self-worth.

An All-Around Indicator of Self-Love

Setting boundaries requires self-discipline. Our capacity to harness the self-discipline to practice boundary setting is the biggest act of self-love we can learn to gift ourselves.

Setting boundaries not only requires us to be disciplined, it also requires us to get vulnerable and ask ourselves many self-discovery questions. These are often confronting and uncomfortable. Why? Well, because while we all know that we have dark demons, we rarely take the time to sit with them and get curious about where they come from, what they are really crying out for, and what soothes them.

Our capacity to harness the self-discipline to practice boundary setting is our biggest act of self-love.

When we are willing to stand true to ourselves, do the hard work of practicing discipline and vulnerability, and set boundaries that work for us and meet our needs, even if it means feeling alone, we are practicing self-love, like the Möwe song goes, "love is a verb, it's a doing word." This all requires you to embody the belief that, in just being, you are enough. Furthermore, flexing our vulnerability muscle allows us to show ourselves in our authentic glory, regardless of what people say. Vulnerability allows us to show up authentically and gift ourselves our own self-acceptance.

Self-love is a tough practice! Luckily, that's all it is, a practice. Self-love and love itself is not a destination, it's a long-life journey and practice. Sometimes it feels difficult, like when we have to drop into our hearts and be vulnerable, or when we have to set boundaries. In these moments, keep in mind that the higher the effort and bigger the risk, the bigger the results and rewards!

Remember, you are loved. You are beautiful. Your self-acceptance is the biggest gift to yourself and the world, and your boundaries are worthy of admiration. xx Sulafa